When you lose something you can't replace...

She looked out of the window, like she was staring into a blur future. Her eye brows furrowed. Her intense gaze caused the lines on her forehead to look like multiple streams of angry rivers; some criss-crossed and some merged and some remained lonely. It was a typical October evening. Everything was slow. Everything was orange-brown. The evening set a feeling of dreariness; a grim one. Leaves dropped, each of them swaying elegantly among the other, creating a gentle rustle and cascading onto the foot of the tree. The vermilion sun disappeared below the horizon. Sunset was her favorite time of the day, she thought. It was his favorite too.

Her eyes followed a small rain drop that made its way through from the window top. The glass steamed up due to the temperature difference. The drop stopped every once in a while, trying to make its way through, changing its course, trying to break free. It seemed like it was struggling its way down to the end. A struggle that resonated in her. She was so lost in deep thoughts that she barely noticed the constant pitter-patter on the window; it had blended beautifully with the October wind.

She sighed; sipped the coffee that had gotten moderately cold and watched closely, closely at something far far away. There was a sense of familiarity; something her mind recognized without her conscious effort. A sudden chillness ran up her spine. She shivered. She wondered if she had fallen into a trance. She felt lost; confused; bewildered. Her effervescent, vibrant self was nothing but a long lost memory. She wondered when was the last time that her eyes reflected the happiness her smile portrayed. She felt ominous clouds clogging her mind, her fingers felt cold and numb; her hands trembled as she put down her cup of coffee. She felt like everything was closing in on her and then she strangely reminded herself that she had nothing more to lose.

A deafening silence reverberated. She feebly walked to break the silence; she turned on the radio.

                  "When you try your best, but you don't succeed
                  When you get what you want, but not what you need
                  When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
                  Stuck in reverse

                  And the tears come streaming down your face
                  When you lose something you can't replace
                  When you love someone, but it goes to waste
                  Could it be worse?

                  Lights will guide you home
                  And ignite your bones
                  And I will try to fix you”…….
                      (- ColdPlay)

She dropped onto the couch; held on to her pillow, and thought about life; how it din’t pan out as she planned. Her fingers ran down her bucket list; a childish creation that she and her roommate had created; one that depicted innocent dreams of two teenage girls. It had been pinned to her board for years now.
Trekking the Swiss Alps and Sky-diving topped the list. Life seemed simple back then. Why couldn't it continue being that simple, why can't life go on like I planned it, she wondered.

A thunder suddenly cracked the air, as if the heavens were at war. Of course, life doesn’t work that way she thought, as she recollected the first day she met him. He was smart, with a smile that made her weak in the knees; he was handsome but he dint know it; and his humor and wit indicated his brilliance. He walked into her life with affection, made her feel loved with his tenderness, and held her securely in his arms. A quick smile flashed on her face. Almost like a lightening, but faded away.

She experienced emotions that had no explanation. She contemplated about her recent past, her eyes were moist; for once she dint push them back; she let it be. Tears trickled down like little drops. The drops stopped every once in a while, trying to make its way through, changing its course, trying to break free. It seemed like it was struggling its way down to the end. A struggle that resonated in her.

Her finger nails pierced through the soft pillow as she wept. She finally wept like she hadn't before. She wept till she wanted to. She wept till her eyes went dry. And when she let go, the pillow fell off. She felt lighter. She wondered how long the relief would last. And then she thought to herself,

                  "I miss you more than I can bear, 
                  but we had our time together.
                  I have to let you go" 
                                 (- Inception)

Filled with void

Nisha stood there exuberantly. Her face shining brilliantly, one that made diamonds feel ashamed. Her lehenga was a beautiful red with numerous golden patterns that made it so distinctive. You could tell that it was designed with utmost care and every single string of sequin and mirror work was woven with much finesse. Her maangtika, a ruby red stone placed beautifully on the center of her forehead, accentuated her heart shaped face. She looked more beautiful than she is given credit for. A mango shaped gold and red earring with clear-cut diamonds sparkled from her ears. In Sanskrit, the word ‘Kaan-phool’ is used to describe earrings, which means ‘flower of the ears’. She looked beautiful.

Naren sat there sipping his kaapi and wondering if he would ever find such happiness. As he put out his cigarette bud, he decided to take one last look at her. She stood beside her man adjusting the tresses of hair that gently brushed her face. Their eyes met. Her eyes did not reflect the happiness that her smile did. She was hiding something, or atleast so he thought. The two minutes felt like a few hours. There was a feeling of familiarity, a feeling that is overvalued and sometimes under, a feeling that could cause your heart to beat faster, and a feeling that increases endorphins in your body.

She walked away from her entire battalion and her eyes signaled. Naren got out of his car and walked towards her. She had changed a lot from how she was back in college. She was prettier. She had grown from a naïve caterpillar to a delicate butterfly. They stood in front of each other, silently. The eyes were doing the talking. They re-lived every minute they spent together back in college, remembering the walks in the rain, the gol guppas outside college, and the coffee at the dhaabas. It was a blissful two minutes. An unusual feeling dawned upon them, a feeling that said ‘if you don’t grab this moment you lose everything’. They both did not hesitate. Grabbed and ran …

Years later, Nisha is in the same attire, same place. She still looked beautiful. She still seemed happy. She was sitting with a man, a man who was not Naren. She was telling him that it was the day of her engagement and that in a few hours she was going to be ringed. She introduced Naren to the man and told him all about her college stories.

Nisha’s parents stood beside her, weeping. The man looked at her parents, his eyes filled with questions, much like any other doctor. Nisha’s parents started to explain. Naren is a doll that Nisha plays with. This dates back to 5 years when she was going to get engaged and suddenly met her college sweetheart. She decided to abandon the engagement and eloped with Naren. Naren met with a horrifying accident and had died 5 years ago. Nisha never accepted this. She placed her heart in the doll, that she fondly calls Naren. With time comes acceptance, but for some there is just…emptiness.